4 Reasons Why Starting Therapy Is Hard
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Therapy. Counseling. What is it about the human condition that makes us both want to be noticed, recognized, valued - and at the same time not want to be truly seen?
What comes up for you when you think of the word therapy?
Photo by youssef naddam on Unsplash
I can imagine that many of us when we begin to do “the work” enter into the process with questions, with longings, with fears.
One of my favorite insights from graduate school was the cycle known as Prochaska’s six stages of change. In this model, every client comes to therapy in one of these six stages. They might be aware of their need for change in their lives, even willing to make a plan. They may have had great success in a past season of life, or may have come to counseling desiring help in an immediate life-threatening crisis that feels altogether unmanageable.
For me and many that I’ve talked to, therapy is often accompanied by the following four things.
Therapy brings together your highest highs and lowest lows in one experience
In the famous movie, The Matrix, Morpheus - the guide for the main character Neo - has this iconic line about a choice between taking the “blue pill” or the “red pill.” The blue pill, in Morpheus’s estimation represents denial and self-delusion. The red, pill on the other hand, represents truth. It represents depth. And it represents a journey of understanding reality in all its pain and feeling.
I believe that starting therapy is a lot like choosing to take the “red pill.”
In grad school, I had a professor who often talked about her journey she faced every day between living in the “real” or the “ideal.”
Therapy is a lot like this metaphor as well. Are we choosing to accept and embrace what actually is real or are we living in our version of what is “ideal.” Life will throw curveballs at us - often, regularly and with great surprise. Life is filled certainly with joys but more often with hardship.
Therapy, then, is an environment in which you can pause. You can examine. We can hold things under the microscope for a moment in the safety of trusted company. While no therapist is perfect, therapy is intended to be a gift in which we can reflect on the highs and lows of the human experience.
Therapy is truly and inherently vulnerable
One of my favorite Ted Talks I remember watching at the Advent of Youtube was by Brené Brown. It is called The Power of Vulnerability. Give it a watch if you have an extra 21 minutes this weekend.
To be human is to be vulnerable. I happen to be writing this on the day of Ash Wednesday 2025, on which this saying was passed down through the ages: “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return”. We come into the world naked. And most of us will die in a state of vulnerability in one way or another.
Therapy often reminds us of this vulnerable feeling. To be sure, there is a built in power dynamic between therapist and client. But it is meant to be one relationship that heals in a person’s life, and not simply one that engages in power over.
No matter what kind of upbringing you’ve had, you were fractured in the presence of others. Often, it is the persistent presence of different person - a caring therapist (counselor, caregiver etc) - who can help bring repair to what was fractured.
A challenge for you: lean into vulnerability. It will change you for the better. But do so with safe people. And learn to discern who is truly safe.
It takes true courage to face our fears
When I first encountered the idea of exposure therapy, I was amazed at the paradox of the idea. People can recover from trauma by engaging a similar thing, feeling, experience, that produced the trauma in the first place. Revolutionary.
To a degree, I’ve come to realize that we all have fears, we all have anxieties. This too, is part of the human condition.
In story, a key thing that separates the victim from the hero is courage. And yet how many of us waste months, even years of our lives, living with a victim mentality? There real question then, is: What will it take to wake us up?
Therapy for many is that “waking up” process. It is often the confrontation of ourselves. The term we like to refer to as “self-awareness”.
What is it that you truly fear? And are you willing to bring it into the light along with someone who cares?
The “work” is often hard to discern and it never ends
Another phrase we students often heard in graduate school at Western Seminary was “Never work harder than your clients.”
To this end, I often thought about what it would look like for a personal trainer at a gym to start lifting the weights that their assigned gym member/client should have been lifting themselves. This would of course be quite silly.
Many who start therapy drop out when they discover what their “work” actually is.
And others will talk in circles, seeking to avoid arriving at the truth of what their “work” will be in the first place. They are left with wasted time and money, often leaving themselves behind in the process.
And for others, they will discover the “work” for the first time - and this will be their first breakthrough in therapy.
What for you keeps you from starting therapy?
Having received counseling at different points in my life, I have learned that there are seasons, just like in nature. I would worry about someone who thinks they need therapy every week of their life. Therapy too has its limitations.
To this end, there is a purpose for fun community gatherings, for liturgies at church, for walks in nature with a loved one, and for the joy found alone in music. Life is more grand that the post-modern construction of the therapist’s office.
Perhaps the greatest thing I can surmise about therapy at this point is this:
The great comfort of therapy is that your therapist is with you in the process, no matter what you are going through.
This trait too has its limitations. But if there is any resonance here, I hope that whether you are in a season of self-improvement or truly in crisis, that you find the right therapist to meet you in that place. Lean in. It is worth it.